May 2008
By now, my boyfriend Paul and I had been dating for almost 2 years, although one of those years was spent apart (I was teaching English in Japan, so he came to visit me twice in Japan and we also met up in Hong Kong/China). I've always been wary of "love" and occasionally called "Daria", but I was convinced by the second date that Paul was my future husband. My parents fortunately liked him immediately, even though he is not Asian nor a doctor. They were probably SOOOO relieved that SOMEBODY loved me at my then ripe age of 32, and that I was not going to be an old maid forever. My dad used to tell me to "dumb it down because boys were scared of smart girls". Other advice included telling me to be more colorful: "Wear more pink instead of black!" But that is all another story.
Anyway, the sappy story goes on...
So, by May 2008, we had been dating blissfully for about 2 years, and we were discussing moving in together- I made it clear that neither I nor my parents would be happy with that unless we were at least engaged. We had planned a trip to California over the long Memorial Day weekend to celebrate a belated Mother's Day, my brother's and my niece's birthdays, so Paul took that opportunity to make his intentions known to my father- secretly, of course.
Paul and I were planning on going for a jog/walk at a nearby trail after breakfast, but I didn't pack any appropriate socks to go with my old sneakers so I asked my mom if I could borrow a pair of her socks. As we made our way upstairs, Paul took my dad aside so they could speak privately. Now, upstairs, my mom was getting fidgety, and wanted to know what Paul and my dad were talking about. She kept making excuses like "Dad doesn't know how to speak English! He won't understand what Paul is saying. I better go down and check on them and see what they're talking about." (My dad's English is probably better than my mother's.) I finally gave up holding my mom back and went to my room to put on my socks and shoes as she ran downstairs. When I was all ready to go, I came downstairs, and there are my parents and Paul, standing in the hallway.
In the meantime, Paul's account:
Paul, out of respect, decides to tell my father of his intentions to marry me- I guess because he knows that my family is super traditional, and he'd rather not risk any dangers of offending our Chinese traditions by asking me before he asked/told them. Anyway, so my dad was kind of taken off guard- I mean, this is the first time anyone had ever talked to him about something like this. But he was wholly supportive and asked Paul some responsible, if not intrusive, parent-type questions like whether he was planning on freelancing forever, or if he had a stable income, when he planned on proposing, that type of stuff. Paul assured him that he was gainfully employed and responsible and was planning on asking me in Nantucket, where we were going over the 4th of July weekend in just a few weeks. My mom, rushing down, interrupted them and wanted to know what was going on, but my dad brushed her off nonchalantly. She switched to Chinese and I guess my dad finally gave in and muttered under his breath in Chinese what he and Paul just spoke about.
Back to me:
So the three of them are standing together and my mom was just BEAMING at me. (This was a first.)
She immediately exclaims "Congratulations!!"
Me: "uh.... umm, for what?"
Mom (patting Paul's arm): "Congratulations!! You know, Paul!! Welcome to the family!"
Paul is staring at my mother- like WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?
Me (understanding what just happened- kind of annoyed- but not wanting to give it away): "Um, yeah, thanks mom... ok, Paul you ready to go on our walk?"
Mom (thinking I'm stupid and not reacting the way she wanted me to): "Don't you understand?! Paul is going to ask you to marry him!!"
Me: "Oh my god, mom, ok! that's enough! Thanks for the information. OK, we have to go."
Paul is staring at my mom, his mouth getting bigger and bigger.
Mom (so excited, but still thinking I'm dense and wondering why I'm not jumping up and down or hugging Paul or them): "AND HE'S GOING TO ASK YOU ON THE 4TH OF JULY!!!"
At this point, I don't know who is more shocked- me or Paul- that my mom has just spilled the beans on a secret that was just told a minute or two ago. My dad, realizing that this was probably upsetting me said to my mother "Couldn't you just keep quiet for just a little bit? That was between me and Paul."
But, my mom, being in the right (as she always is, of course) just shrugged and was like "I'm excited. This is good news. Why can't I share good news?"
Me: "BECAUSE THAT IS PROBABLY THE ONE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT SECRET OF MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE!!! WHO DOES THAT?!?"
Mom: "Oh stop it. Don't be so dramatic. You knew it was going to happen anyway. Like you didn't know. Don't you want us to be excited for you? Don't be so grumpy all the time! You better talk nicer to Paul than you do to us or else he won't even marry you."
ARGH.... we went on our walk and I was fuming for a bit, but Paul, being ever the even-tempered one reasoned that it is difficult for my mother to contain excitement, and she just likes to be the center of attention, even if it means that she's doing a faux pas such as telling a secret. In the end, my mom was sort of right- I didn't have a doubt that Paul would propose, but at least it would've been nice to have the date a surprise... My sister was so mortified after hearing this story that she was like "Don't tell anyone this story!! I can't believe Mom did that!! I'm soooo embarassed... and I would be SOOOOOOOOOO mad if she did this to me!!!"
Go figure it's the first story of the new blog.
So the day that we were supposed to leave, my dad called me into his office and we had a little father-daughter chat, which was extra special because I think it was my first one ever. He said he was very happy and very proud of me, and that Paul was a very good guy. That was awesome, because secretly, my dad's approval is really important to me. Then he says something awkward like "Marriage can be difficult, but it's between the two of you. If you have any questions, let me know..." (I'm thinking, uh.... are you trying to ask me if I know about the birds and the bees?! Um, awkward!!!)
So I said, "Well, dad, I do have one question.... why couldn't you just keep this a secret? Mom telling the secret made me really upset."
Dad: "Well, I really didn't know that she would tell the secret. It seemed kind of obvious not to have to say anything. But, really, I don't get why Paul was asking me anyway. Shouldn't he have been asking you in the first place?!?"
And that's when I realized that my dad had no idea of the American tradition of the guy talking to the father about his intentions, so the whole catastrophe could have probably been averted! In China, the parents probably set up a couple from reading Chinese horoscopes and seeing a fortune teller, and then seeing whose family could gain extra acres of farmland or something.
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